Tour de Midwest

I spent last weekend in Wisconsin with my dad’s side of the family and had a blast. Milwaukee is the home of Harley-Davidson, so I enjoyed a visit to their museum. Uncle Bob has been a motorcycle fanatic for years, so it was fun to hear what he had to say about the museum. We also had a chance to check out his personal collection, which includes old bikes and memorabilia. The official museum may have been more polished and crowded, but Bob’s collection has them beat for character.

Aunt Maureen’s hobby is quilting, and she is quite talented. She showed me some beautiful finished products, and some works in progress. While I was enjoying the quilt showcase, she told me to keep an eye out for my favorite, because she would let me take one home with me! I chose a large colorful quilt to replace my bedspread which is falling apart. St. Louis is far too hot and humid to sleep under a quilt right now, but as soon as it cools down my bed is going to be the talk of the town.

That night, my grandma took us all out to a Brazilian steakhouse for dinner. If you’ve never been, it is an experience. They encourage you to take advantage of the all-you-can-eat buffet, but I warned the group that it is a trap. The real treat is the meat. Servers are constantly circulating with giant skewers of hot beef, ready to cut some onto your plate at your request. I described various strategies for pacing, and got the group ready for the experience. Then, the waitress came over and almost ruined anything. She laid a basket of hot cheesy bread balls right in front of me. Most people tried one or two balls, but heeded my warnings and resisted the urge to eat more. I was not so lucky. She has found my weakness, and to be honest, I was lucky I stopped after finishing a basket.

The highlight of my weekend was definitely the driving. No, not the 7 hour trip across Illinois. Uncle Bob recently built a 1932 Ford hot rod convertible, and we took it for a spin up the shore of Lake Michigan for a day. It was a completely different driving experience for me without the power steering or braking. The rumble of the powerful engine made me tingle. I miss it already.

This weekend I went to Ohio to visit mom’s parents who recently moved to a retirement community there. It was almost like a college, with an office of admissions, cafeteria, athletic facility, and extensive event calendar. The only difference is that everything happens in slow motion. Despite the change in pace, I enjoyed watching TCM and spending quality time with my grandparents. Some of the conversations I overheard were straight out of a sitcom. One old person would yell a question across the table at another, who would yell a response to a completely different question because they couldn’t hear. The funniest part was when the questioner was satisfied by the random answer, and both parties believed they had successfully communicated.

One thing Wisconsin and Ohio had in common was their love for sweet corn, and I can’t get enough of the stuff. I am happy that every time I sink my teeth into an ear of sweet corn, I think of my grandparents on both sides of the family. My parents left the middle of the country years ago, but I have another year to savor my corn belt roots.

Urban Costume Party

When you walk around the streets of New York, it looks like 75% of the pedestrians are wearing costumes. This is the best city in the world for one of my favorite activities: people watching.

I was heartbroken to learn that there is a tragic denim shortage in the city of New York. The poor hipsters must resort to wearing skin-tight jeans that end around their calves. Just kidding, it’s a really ironic fashion statement. Just kidding it’s dumb. Just kidding I respect them.

On Wednesday night I arrived and hopped on a subway to the Yankees game with Aaron. We won (well, the Yankees lost) and enjoyed $50 of hot dogs and beer… so, one of each.

On Thursday morning I waited outside NBC studios for tickets to see Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. The standby tickets were easy to get, and we were instructed to come back that afternoon. I have seen a taping of Jay Leno before, which was not great. Jimmy Fallon was so fun. There was a hilarious comedian to loosen up the audience before taping. The house band for the show is The Roots, who also accompanied Will Forte for a performance of the MacGruber theme song.

Friday was definitely the highlight of the weekend. I finally made a pilgrimage to Medieval Times. After preparing with our friend Jameson, seven of us took a bus into New Jersey. Some of us wore costumes: a wizard, a king, a stable boy, and a princess.

I had trouble following the plot, suffice it to say that our knight was defeated in the competition despite our vocal support and the shrill screams of the young girls in our section. We exited the castle covered in grease from eating without utensils, but our spirits were high.

I hung out with a few celebrities over the weekend. Well… I walked past them. But I could have hung out with them. Scott Adsit, Peter Dinklage, Meryl Streep, and Lisa Kudrow all brushed elbows with me. No big deal. Well maybe it was a big deal for them. Next stop: London.

New Hobbies

Lately I have been doing a fair amount of shopping on craigslist. First, I sold my home theater system to finance my shopping spree. Then, I bought an electric keyboard to advance my music career. I bought an Xbox because it will make me a better surgeon one day. And I bought a DSLR camera with hopes of learning the art of photography.

I have a lot to learn about taking artful pictures. I have been spending time outside playing with the settings, but my photos still look the same as when I was using a point-and-shoot. The only difference is the higher resolution. For now all I can do is take more pictures and hope for divine inspiration.

I have been seeing some cool tilt-shift photography online lately, but to do it the right way apparently you need the right hardware. However, my favorite feature of tilt-shift photography, miniature faking, can be created using software. It’s not perfect, but it’s pretty fun.

The first step is choosing an image. It seems that the best results come from wide angle images taken from above. Unfortunately, I don’t have a lot of those. The best I could find on my computer is a picture I took from a hot-air balloon over some vineyards in California.

For the next step, most online tutorials assume you have Photoshop and know how to use it. I don’t have Photoshop, nor do I know how to use it. But I do have the world wide web! So, along with not buying a tilt-shift lens, here is the second shortcut: tiltshiftmaker.com

Not bad for a crappy picture and free software. I will try taking a better picture and using GIMP next time. We’ll see if it’s worth the extra time.

Loco for Cocoa

Last week I had an incredible chocolate experience with Mo’s Dark Bacon Bar. I cherished every morsel because I had never seen that brand before, so I thought it must be hard to find.

One day later, we went to a wine and beer tasting (I was actually more impressed by the associated cheese samples) and on the way out I squealed with glee to see a whole row of Vosges Haut-Chocolat exotic chocolate bars. Jonathon and I agreed that it would be a mistake not to purchase a variety.

So, this week we ate three new flavors of chocolate.

Naga Bar – sweet Indian curry powder, coconut flakes, deep milk chocolate
When I popped the first square into my mouth, I was not thrilled. I wondered whether it was a mistake to mix curry and chocolate. I took a break from the bar, and began thinking about who might enjoy my remaining three pieces. Shortly after, I found myself reaching for the box again. Before I knew it, I had a second square in my mouth, and somehow I was loving it. I enjoyed each subsequent piece more than the one before it!

Red Fire Bar – Mexican ancho y chipotle chillies, Ceylon cinnamon, dark chocolate
This bar, as you might expect, basically tastes like Mexican chocolate. I enjoyed it, but it was not quite as exotic or unique as some of the other bars we tried. After a few squares, you definitely feel a little burn in your mouth from the peppers, but Jonathon and I wondered whether the burn was really a good thing. If you like your chocolate to have a kick, give it a try. I personally don’t think it stands up to the chocolatier’s other creations.

Black Pearl Bar – wasabi, ginger, black sesame seeds, dark chocolate
This one is a little weird. The chocolate is tasty, and the black sesame seeds add a fun crunch, but I was not thrilled about the ginger. The other chocolate bars all had a really interesting progression of flavors, but this one was a pretty constant confusing dessert sushi thing.

We also tried the milk chocolate version of the bacon bar, but I say stick with the dark chocolate. That one is definitely my favorite so far. There are many more flavors to try, so stay tuned!

Holy Bacon Chocolate, Batman!

For Easter, my mom sent me a big box of treats. The contents included a three-ounce bar of chocolate called Mo’s Dark Bacon Bar. The front of the box simply says, “Applewood smoked bacon, alderwood smoked salt, dark chocolate.”

Everyone loves bacon, especially the internet, but what the hell is smoked salt? Both my mom and her mom are masters of gag gifts, so my first reaction was that this was some kind of joke, not intended to be an enjoyable experience. Then I read the back of the box.

First of all, this is a $7.50 candy bar. Second, there is a picture of a pretty woman on the back. Those were enough to convince me this was the real deal.

This is not a novelty item. My bacon chocolate bar was delicious. It is the ultimate blend of sweet, salty, and smoky. The flavors are perfectly balanced. This is a piece of chocolate you don’t want to swallow, because you want the experience to last as long as possible.

I felt like Violet when she enjoyed an entire meal, course by course, at Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory. The first course was chocolate, followed by a subtle hit of the salt, and when those melted away, there were actually little bits of bacon to savor.

Start saving up. Mo’s Dark Bacon Bar is worth the investment. And don’t even think about getting the milk chocolate version.

That Guy

Every city has its characters. They are the eccentric people that the locals love to talk about, and the tourists love to take pictures of. Some do it for the money, and some do it for more obscure reasons. Whatever the motivation, a good town weirdo is like a sports team; the people of a city will defend and identify with each as if they reflect on the citizens personally.

From my limited experience in the world, I can only speak of two cities. My favorite St. Louis character is Beatle Bob. If you see live music in St. Louis with any frequency, you have undoubtedly danced with Beatle Bob. He is always in the front row doing the same goofy dance regardless of the genre. When I enter a venue, he is always the first person I look for, because if he is around, I know I came to the right spot.

There are two notable San Francisco characters that I cherish. First is Bush Man. One of the top tourist destinations in the city is Fisherman’s Wharf, full of unsuspecting visitors from around the world. Bush Man hides behind tree branches, and discreetly waits for victims. If someone comes close, he jumps out and scares them. When the victims recover from the fright, they often stick around to watch the Bush Man choose his next prey.

Up next is Frank Chu. Famous for his cryptic signs, Frank Chu follows the crowds. He will join any protest as a venue to push his own protests. Over the years, his picketing supplies have seen significant upgrades. Companies have sponsored Chu in exchange for space on the back of his signs. I think we can all agree, Impeach Clinton 12 Galaxies Guiltied to a Zegnatronic Rocket Society.

I wanted to include Dog Cat Rat Man, but he is more of a nomadic character, so he doesn’t really belong to any city like these guys do. There are also some smaller scale characters I didn’t include, like the guy in the red sweatshirt who yells at no one at the Depot, or the old dude who is always at the library with his briefcase as if the public computer terminal were his office.

Who is your favorite character from your home town?

My Breathing Brain

I have always been pretty open to new things, and I want to make sure I get a lot of my experimenting done while I am still young. That way, there are no consequences, right? For this week’s adventure, I shaved my head for the first time. I have given myself short haircuts before, but this was the first time I ever took a razor to my scalp, shaving cream and all.

In the past, when I cut my hair very short I have heard that my head looks phallic. So apparently it looks bad when I have short hair, but I love how it feels. After a fresh cut, I rub my head for weeks on end. When I decided to reach for the razor, I knew it would probably look silly, but I took the plunge in the spirit of exploration.

The shaving process itself was very labor intensive. I would expect it to become easier for regular head shavers, but it was quite difficult for me. I was lucky to only cut myself once. Afterwards I applied some Norwegian moisturizer I had left over from a Christmas gift exchange. I didn’t want to be completely hairless on my head, so I left a flavor saver on my chin.

My initial reaction was how cold it got once I had no hair. Why did I decide to do this in winter? That’s a rhetorical question. Seriously though, how do bald people survive in cooler climates? It is an interesting sensation using my scalp as a new tactile sensor. For example, feeling a breeze or my pillow sounds like a mundane sensation, but I feel like I am using a whole new body part.

The next thing I noticed was when I took a shower and first stepped under the water. Usually there is a moment between when the water hits my head and when it starts running down my face. That’s when my hair soaks up water before becoming saturated I suppose. It was the strangest sensation putting my head in the water and my face getting wet immediately! I almost drowned!

The third discovery is how fast hair really grows. For anyone with long hair, the difference between 1.00 foot of hair and 1.01 feet of hair doesn’t make any difference. For me, one night makes a world of difference. The maintenance on a bald head is extraordinary! I don’t know how people do this every morning! 24 hours after shaving, I look like I have a short buzz rather than a bare head. But it feels so good.

If I learn any secrets the baldheads aren’t telling us, I will let you know. Maybe I can get satellite TV with this thing. I just have to figure out how to hook myself up to the TV.

Cathedral Basilica

Today I visited the Cathedral Basilica of St. Louis with my parents. I know my dad appreciates architecture, and I really like cathedrals (my favorite is La Sagrada Familia in Barcelona) so it seemed like a fun activity. Apparently, this cathedral is known for its mosaics. In fact, it has the largest mosaic collection of any single building in the world. We visited the museum and got a miniature tour, but there is no substitute for just exploring the cathedral on your own.

Rainbow Reading

I am taking an evening class at a middle school in St. Louis. It’s a pretty typical middle school. There are animated numbers on the wall to demonstrate mathematical concepts and there are inspirational quotes from famous writers. However, my favorite decorations are a set of posters hanging all over the halls.

Each poster says “READ” and has a picture of a celebrity holding a classic novel. They feature Missy Elliot, Coolio, Weird Al… you know, the kind of role models you would expect to be encouraging kids to read more. Many of the celebrity choices target kids with certain interests. For example, Serena Williams for the athletes, Yo-Yo Ma for the musicians. But this one is by far my favorite.

That would be Enrique Iglesias. Target audience? Either hispanics or sexually confused teens. He does not just read. He seduces the book. Reading Hemingway makes Enrique touch himself. If this poster doesn’t make you want to pick up a book, you are either illiterate or you are listening to Bailamos on repeat.

I am tempted to hang a poster of my own and see if anyone notices.
Who would my target audience be?

Food of St. Louis

Many cities boast special regional dishes that you can only find in a certain area of the country. I have spent five years in St. Louis, and in that time I have identified five such food items.

Pork steak: Apparently pork is not traditionally cut into steaks, and for some reason the people of St. Louis pride themselves on doing it the weird way. The pork steak is never the most appealing thing on a menu for me, so I still haven’t had one.

Toasted ravioli: You can find toasted ravioli on most appetizer menus in St. Louis. It is easy to order in bulk, so you often see giant containers of it at special events next to buckets of marinara sauce. Those aren’t the real deal. Make sure to order them fresh, and preferably from an Italian restaurant.

Provel cheese: I think they mostly use provel to make St. Louis style pizza. It’s really creamy and tastes okay, but I certainly don’t think it warrants the excitement people have about it. Sometimes also found on salads. I have to be really hungry to enjoy a dish with prominent provel.

Slinger: There are a bunch of diners here that serve the slinger around the clock. It has one layer each of hash browns, hamburger patty, cheese, fried eggs, and chili. It tastes alright when it’s hot, but a few bites in you immediately wonder what possessed you to order it. I would say it’s worth trying once just for the experience.

Gooey butter cake: So far on this list, the St. Louis food specialties have had one thing in common. People from St. Louis love them, and outsiders don’t understand them. This is the one exception. If you don’t love gooey butter cake, something is wrong with you. It has three ingredients as far as I can tell: gooey, butter, and cake.

In addition to the individual dishes, there are two restaurants that I consider to be St. Louis establishments. If you have one weekend in St. Louis, and you don’t mind torturing your heart, these should be your top meal destinations.

Crown Candy Kitchen: Old school candy shop with milkshakes that defy description in flavor and size. I had the heart-stopping BLT, and it lived up to its name. You know they mean business when the bacon layer is too thick to fit in your mouth.

Pappy’s BBQ: The employees will insist that you try the brisket. Ignore them and get the pulled pork and ribs. They have several sauces to try, and plenty of great sides if you have room for them after you stuff your face with meat.

Sweetie Pie’s: Cafeteria style soul food. The best fried chicken and mac-n-cheese I have ever eaten. Bring an appetite, because the plates are huge and they are not afraid to fill them. The best entrees are always available, but the rest of the menu rotates throughout the week if you want to switch things up.

Honorable mention: Protzel’s Deli, Carl’s Drive-In, Uncle Bill’s Pancake House