Healthcare Solved

I was talking with my dear friend Jamie this evening about the healthcare crisis. At the end of our (rigorously intellectual) debate, we reached a conclusion. Friends, I am happy to report that we have solved the crisis!

Last week I ate lunch at Children’s Hospital. They have a wonderful dining area in an atrium containing aquariums and brightly colored furniture. It was such a fun place to eat, I almost wished that I was a sick child so I could spend more time there. Luckily my employee ID is enough to get me past security so I don’t have to be a sick child to enjoy the venue. What can I say, the job comes with some excellent benefits.

Anyways, I was thrilled to see a Dairy Queen and Pizza Hut station in the cafeteria. Anytime I see a Dairy Queen I stop by for a dipped cone, so I grabbed one with my meal. Upon checking out with my tray, I was horrified to learn that I would be charged for my meal by weight. It was Mardi Gras, so my jambalaya was heavy! The fried side dishes were also adding up on the scale. Frankly, if I were a child I would probably prefer to eat corn fritters than go get surgery. And how could a parent say no to a sick son or daughter?

Imagine how many children each day are foregoing treatment for serious health problems so they can enjoy a wonderful dipped cone from their hospital Dairy Queen. Rather than confronting the costs associated with obtaining medical care, I propose we take a look at the weight-based hospital cafeteria billing system. I paid $15 for my jambalaya, ice cream, king cake, corn fritters, fried okra, salad, and soda. That was $15 I could have injected into the struggling hospital system.

The hospital isn’t just discouraging children from obtaining medical care. The unhealthy food selection is actually cultivating future patients. So the current hospital administration is actually just transferring the burden of treating patients in our present system to future generations. Inspired by the wildly successful social security program, hospital administrators have created an imaginary healthcare trust fund. Doctors several decades from now will be cleaning up the mess that the current medical community has created.

Now let’s not get carried away by responding rashly. Our instincts tell us to take the Dairy Queen and fried food selections out of hospital cafeterias. When you think about it, a hospital cafeteria without corn fritters is like a car without a radio… and I suppose the dipped cone would be the air conditioning. So maybe just get rid of the sausage selection and the fried food that masquerades as vegetables. That’s a good start.

In conclusion, I will take this opportunity to share my feelings about ice cream with you. Vanilla is not “plain” ice cream. Vanilla is a flavor. Other flavors of ice cream are not just vanilla ice cream with other ingredients added in. Do not underestimate the power of vanilla, and if you ever make vanilla ice cream yourself, don’t add too much. I thought more vanilla would be good, but it turns out the recipe knows better. That is all.

Global Warming Redux

As a scientist, I have enormous respect for my colleagues in all fields who are working to make the world a better place through research. Lately, however, my faith in the scientific community has lapsed. Every conspiracy needs a whistleblower, and with literally several readers, this seems to be the most appropriate way to get the word out fast, before they silence me forever.

It all started when I was doing research for my groundbreaking exposé on the relationship between soda consumption and rising carbon dioxide levels in our atmosphere. I thought I was just doing my part in the fight against global warming, but I have since learned that global warming is no more real than stem cells.

My investigation is too lengthy and sensitive to include in its entirety, so I will summarize my findings. To begin with, we must have an understanding of the research process. To strengthen my credibility and authority on the topic, here are some pictures of scientists.

These are the basics:

• Data must be reproducible and consistent to be considered meaningful.
• To conduct scientific research, laboratories need funding. Funding is allocated to institutions that can propose solutions to relevant problems.
• The issues that affect more people are often considered to be more relevant, and hence more worthy of funding.

One way that scientists strive to achieve consistency is by agreeing upon a standard temperature and pressure (STP) under which experiments are to be performed. Experiments that satisfy this standard take place at 273 K and 101.325 kPa, equivalent to 0 degrees Celsius and 1 atmosphere of pressure. Maintaining STP in a laboratory is cumbersome and extremely expensive, as anyone with air conditioning can confirm. For scientists who are already strapped for cash, keeping a laboratory cold as ice is a serious obstacle to continuing research.

I believe that Global Warming was invented by scientists to reduce the cost of achieving standard experimental conditions. How do I know this? The scientists tried hard to keep it quiet, but with so many mouths to silence, someone was bound to slip up.

The first clue was a paper called Does a Global Temperature Exist? The authors show that “there is no physically meaningful global temperature for the Earth in the context of the issue of global warming.” Interesting. That would certainly seem to contradict countless claims of rising global temperatures made by other scientists.

Of course, the scientists needed an outsider to be the face of the fight against this phantom. Someone without the scientific background to see through the ploy. Someone with nothing to lose. Someone with a thirst for vengeance. They found Al Gore, depicted here standing in front of a bunch of arrows with a number.

In footage from his film, An Inconvenient Truth, take a look at what Al Gore has on his other computer screen while he plays with Google Earth.

So, with a high profile mascot and an issue with “global” in the name, scientists found the relevant issue they were looking for. But don’t be fooled. We are not in danger, as the scientists would like you to think. If researchers can bring the temperature of their labs down, they will save thousands of dollars per degree, and that means more money to spend on elaborate slideshows with arrows and arbitrary temperatures. Furthermore, with an influx of Global Warming research grant proposals, funding will be diverted from the real issues to invest in a better screen saver for Al Gore’s computer.

Let’s put a stop to the rumors of Global Warming. You don’t have to buy a hybrid car or eat local produce to save the world. All we have to do is send our scientists to Antarctica. There is plenty of space for them, and in the Antarctic Peninsula, the temperature hovers around STP. If they are right after all, wouldn’t it be poetic for their polar laboratories to melt into the sea? That would get the message across.

Coppertone & Morton Salt

If you use sunscreen, then you’ve probably met the Coppertone girl. Each of the company’s bottles used to have a picture of a dog tugging on the swimsuit bottom of a cute little blonde girl in pigtails. The bottle design has evolved over the years in response to a dynamic clientele.

The first wave of changes came when customers flagged the image as pedophilic and perverted. So, Coppertone responded by reducing the dog’s hold on the swimsuit to show less butt-crack.

Customers were pleased with Coppertone’s prompt response. The mascot duo continued to pose at the newly designated exposure level, and sunscreen wearers continued to be delighted. Very few, however, stopped to consider the effect that all the attention and canine aggression had on the girl.

The image that the Coppertone girl strived for came at a price. On the set, the well-trained Cocker Spaniel was obedient. Off the set, the relationship between the Coppertone girl and the dog had gone sour.

The problem was perpetuated by the appreciative public, who applauded the dog, admiring how adorable it was when the Coppertone girl was left weeping, bottomless, on the ground. As the working relationship deteriorated, she knew she had to get out.

The Coppertone girl opted out of her Coppertone contract to take a job with the Morton salt company. She was happy. But she was also haunted by her past. She knew that the Coppertone dog would find other victims, and she could not allow that to happen. The new Morton salt girl pooled her only resource: salt.

Finding the infamous Cocker Spaniel was easy; she merely followed the trail of bare-bottomed blondes he left in his wake. What happened when she found him is still a mystery, suffice it to say that the dog has been conspicuously absent from the latest line of Coppertone products.

Polar Bears & Coca-Cola

The evidence is out there. The issue of global warming has become part of popular culture. Most would attribute the crisis, at least in part, to greenhouse gas emissions. One gas, in particular, has become the focus of the debate: carbon dioxide.

Exhibit A: The following graph, from the Carbon Dioxide Information Analysis Center at the Oak Ridge National Laboratory, shows the increasing emissions in metric tons. But where is all that carbon dioxide coming from?

Exhibit B: Everyone is so concerned about carbon dioxide, yet soda companies continue to produce an average of over 50 gallons of carbonated beverages per person per year. Why do we call them carbonated beverages? Soft drinks contain dilute carbonic acid, which decomposes into water and carbon dioxide. The release of air you hear when you open a can of pop is escaping carbon dioxide.

The following graph, from the Center for Safety in the Public Interest, indicates the rising soda production over the last half century. As the planet gets hotter, we are seeking more soda to quench our thirst. But did anyone stop to think that we might be fueling the fire? Every time we open a can of cola, or burp after enjoying a root beer, we are releasing the very gas into the atmosphere that is responsible for the heat in the first place.

Discussion: And so we have come full circle. We drink soda for relief from the heat, and the world gets hotter as a result. But if we stop drinking carbonated beverages, we will perish. If we continue, the planet perishes with us. Take a look at the disturbing image that results from the overlay and rescaling of the two preceding graphs.

The correlation is irrefutable. Drinking soda is causing global warming. Ironic that saving the polar bears has been the rallying cry of those seeking to put an end to global warming, when the polar bears are the ones encouraging us to drink more soda. And that is just where the conspiracy begins. What can you do about it, you ask?

I would encourage you to write to your congressperson about the real issue at hand. While they talk about increasing automobile mileage in Washington, the polar bears are discussing the next step in their plan to emigrate from the arctic. Clearly, they always wanted a warmer climate; who would ever want to live above the arctic circle? Carbonated beverages are just the beginning.

We must stop drinking carbonated beverages before it is too late, and the bears overrun us all. We must adopt beverages such as water, juice, and milk into our diets. Drink your vodka without tonic, and your rum without coke. Do it for humanity. Because once polar bears are no longer polar, they are just bears. And that’s a problem that even global warming fears.